We want to support our children, but at the end of the day, is this really the best approach?
Parenting consciously means looking beyond the immediate, and really think about what their parenting is actually, in the long run, teaching their children.
Many parenting practices, are focused on changing our child’s behavior, where as the conscious parenting approach is to understand the underlying motivation for the behavior, and then addressing that.
This is a great example of thinking we are doing something to help our child, which in reality is doing the opposite.
How is this hurting them?
I’d ask this father – Would you rather have your child stay off Facebook because you’ve offered up $200? Or would you rather have your child stay off of Facebook because of their own choice?
On top of that, research shows the practice of incentives/rewards/bribes (extrinsic motivators) not only don’t work, but can be counterproductive to the end goal.
Extrinsic vs intrinsic motivation studies – over 70 long term studies have demonstrated that they do not help, and in fact, can be counterproductive.
These studies have shown the following to be true:
- When giving a reward, the behavior goes away once the reward goes away
- The more we are rewarded for something the more apt we are to lose interest in what we had to do to get the reward in the first place
- One study where children who were rewarded for sharing or being helpful, subsequently become less helpful
- When given something creative or problem solving, performance is less for those offered a reward, than for those offered no reward.
- Focusing on good grades reduces interest in learning itself.
This approach really should start when the children are younger – this might be tougher to do if this family has set up a system where incentives or rewards are the way they have “taught” their children all along
When they are young, we need to be focused on teaching them to listen to and develop their own inner guidance system.
We should be asking our children “what kind of person do I want to be?” Not “what do I need to do to earn praise/reward from someone else?”
Rewards, punishments, bribes may “work” in the short run, but at a long term cost.