A Conscious Parent’s Guide to Summer

It’s summer! Kids are out of school! Beautiful weather, longer days, family vacations, more playdates, the list goes on and on!

Aaaannnnd then, reality hits.

(Yes, it’s OK to sort of dread this time of year. )

It is during the summer months, or school vacations in general, that I get the most frantic “We need an emergency session!” calls from clients. It’s because the normal family rhythm, is disrupted, and when one person’s “off” the entire family is thrown off. Starts this vicious cycle that can sometimes spiral down into chaos.

Here are some tips for managing this summer time with your family:

 

Maintain your connection

Many times, when working parents have children at home, they feel overwhelm….the normal family rhythm that permeates the other 9-10 months of the year, gets TOTALLY out of whack.

 

It’s awfully tempting to hand off your children to play at their friends houses, go to the beach and have dinner at 8pm because it’s still light out, “Sure you can sleep over your friends house…”

 

Because it’s EASIER on us. And then you rationalize “It’s summer, it’s a special occasion, life is short, the weather isn’t like this all the time so let’s take advantage, any number of reasons come to your head.

 

More time with friends, and doing other activities out of the usual routine, while fun, can also present new challenges, new stressors, new people, new potential temptations. And more opportunities to become more peer oriented, which can lead to implications more long lasting than it sounds.

 

It is important to be extra aware during summer months to stay in tune with your children. Know what they are doing, and who they are doing it with.

 

But more importantly, is to maintain YOUR connection with your child.

 

Take time to be present with your children. Each day.

 

When things come up, kids are overstimulated, tired, or just hormonal, and we are tired, overwhelmed, and not present, challenges will come up.

 

When that happens, remember, prioritize the relationship over the behavior. (what we discussed for a while on the Girlfriends Radio show). In the exact moment of upset, is NOT the time to address the behavior. You can do that at a later, calmer time.

 

Here’s a video I did about this that can give you more specifics:

http://www.consciousparents.org/prioritize-your-relationship-with-your-child-over-punishing-their-bad-behavior/

 

 

Continue the basic family structure, with minor adjustments or allowances for fun

We all know structure is important, but it really is, especially for children. And for us as parents. Decide with your partner what matters still to you the most.

 

Is it family dinner every night?

Is it Friday pizza night?

Is it a weekly trip to the beach as a family?

Is it Sunday morning pancake breakfast?

 

Whatever it is, make sure that it is regular, and something the family does together. Mealtime is an especially powerful time together, to reconnect, to talk, to be present. It also reminds children they are part of something larger than just them, and part of a family unit.

 

Expect, yet release expectations

 

Say what?

 

Here’s what that means.

 

“Expect” that things are going to be a little more challenging. Do what you can to continue foundation of your normal structure, but just know that it’s inevitable. (why do you think parents often breathe a sigh of relief when the kids go BACK to school? It’s because things are back to “normal.”)

 

“Release expectations” that you’ll still be able to hold things together like you normally do, that you’ll be able to “do it all” under the new circumstances of summertime.

 

Because stress, and overwhelm, come from a disconnect between our expecations, and our reality.

 

So release the expectations!

 

Easier said than done, but try it.

 

When I was struggling in my marriage, we had a few weeks where we took a “break.” What that did for me, which was the greatest gift, was it reset my expectations. No longer did I expect he would be home for dinner. No longer did I expect him to help participate in his share of hanging out with my daughter so I could go to the gym for an hour on a Saturday morning.   Because when I had that expectation, it led to stress and disappointment.

 

After that “break” it was as though we were courting again, in that I had NO expectations, just gratitude for what did come my way.

 

For me, that was the best lesson from that difficult time, is to always stay present, and remove expectations as much as possible.

 

Is this going to nurture, or weaken?

When in doubt how to handle a situation ask yourself one question – is how I am about to handle this situation going to nurture the connection with my child? Or is it going to weaken the connection with my child?

 

Because ultimately, your ability to parent from INFLUENCE, rather than AUTHORITY (something we also talked about on the show) will be predicated on how often you choose nurture or weaken. Bottom line.

 

Compliance with your wishes does not in any way indicate a strong relationship with your child. It doesn’t mean that there is not a strong relationship, but it’s often misconstrued as having a respectful relationship. Often, compliance can be rooted in fear, which erodes the trust necessary to be that support for your child as they learn the ways of the world.

 

Remembering some of these tips and concepts, can help you feel more grounded, and centered, during the summer months.

 

In the end, have fun and create some lasting memories!!!

 

Here are some of the other resources/videos I mentioned during the show – these are all large topics, which we just touched on live, so here are some ways to get more in-depth on these topics.

 

Do you have a picky eater? Parts 1 and 2

http://www.consciousparents.org/parenting-picky-eaters-part-1/

 

http://www.consciousparents.org/parenting-picky-eaters-part-2/

 

How we “praise” our children makes all the difference to self esteem and your relationship with them

http://www.consciousparents.org/proper-praising/