Sorry, not allowed to see it.
When I was growing up, nudity in our family was no big deal.
I wouldn’t call us nudists, or exhibitionists in any way, it was merely the fact that the human body is normal and natural, and wasn’t anything to hide. Nudity is a part of life, and was not sexual in the slightest.
My parents didn’t cover up when we walked into the room while they were changing. They didn’t lock the door when they were bathing. I remember showering regularly with both my mom and my dad (and mind you, as a child, you know what is right around eye level). On hot summer nights (we did not have air conditioning) we would all decide to do a family skinny dip in our pool to cool off before bed.
Summer time especially, it was fairly commonplace that we would be nude out in our backyards playing in the pool. It was even when there were other people around, not just when it was just us (there is even evidence of such activity in our family photo album – on every third page or so – which made for some awkward moments when a boyfriend would get the “wanna see some pictures of Erika from when she was little” routine).
Interestingly enough, now as an adult, I’d consider myself on the more modest end of the spectrum. In my freshman year of college, I remember being a bit taken aback by one of my roommates who would spend inordinate amounts of time walking around topless while she was getting ready, and thinking, “Is it so hard to put on a shirt?”
So flash forward about 30 years, and now I am a mom. And as a conscious parent, I realize that the choices I make as a parent have long term implications. I have never hidden my naked body from my daughter because I, too, want her to grow up comfortable with nudity as a natural part of life.
I kind of thought that all parents did that.
Wrong.
Recently, my daughter has become, shall I say, obsessed with seeing male private parts. Her curiosity is getting the best of her.
Because I never had that intense interest, I wondered how it came to be that she is so laser focused on seeing what they look like.
Come to find out, though, that my ex has never once let our daughter see him naked.
Bingo.
What he does not realize, is that by doing what he thought was a good parenting practice (because that is what his parents did) he has now created a monster.
And, to make matters worse, she has now escalated her curiosity to include talking about it all the time. She asks me questions, she reiterates how badly she wants to see them, because she does not know (and the suspense is clearly killing her). She even asked her dad why he doesn’t let her see him, and his answer was, “Because children should not see private parts.”
Oh… how I wish I could go back in time and communicate to my ex when she was a baby how we wanted to handle the nudity situation.
But now I fear it’s too late.
Talk about an incredible example of forbidding something that ends up becoming such temptation. Reminds me of that great quote, “What you resist, persists.”
No wonder many teens especially are tempted for those forbidden things like smoking and alcohol.
What is interesting also is that like the nudity thing, my parents did not “forbid” drinking, or smoking. They didn’t advocate it in any way, they just didn’t make it a big deal. My dad even offered to buy me the cigarettes and alcohol, if I wanted to “do that to my body” as long as I did it at home, so that I could figure out what that was all about.
The funny thing is, I never took him up on it.
Which is fascinating because unlike many of my friends, I did not have a huge urge to experiment with things such as alcohol, or smoking. It was around me, but I was never really curious – probably because it was “available” to me if I ever felt like it.
While I eventually tried both, I was very tame in those growing up rites of passage, relative to my peers who were strictly forbidden by their parents. And we all know how well THAT strategy works.
Because of that, I made a choice to parent my daughter that way as well, and have, but now I’ve been thrown a curve ball because this situation was something happening out of my jurisdiction (one of the lovely challenges of co-parenting after a divorce).
Given this scenario, I tried something as a solution. I thought I was being super clever by agreeing to show her illustrations (nothing more than you would see at any fine art museum). Not making a big deal of it, just matter of factly showing her a medical illustration, or the statue of David.
Phew, I have a work around. I take her to the computer (after pre-searching for appropriate images) and she is unimpressed.
Nope, that didn’t suffice.
She wants to see it in person. Live. In the flesh. (pun intended).
So what to do? At this point, it would be weird to have my ex suddenly change his mind and show her. But I also don’t necessarily want to have her first exposure in some situation where there is some energy of being hidden, or forbidden, like on a computer at a friend’s house, or on someone’s cell phone, or worse, in person with a boy interested in more.
Which is the lesser of two evils?
UPDATE:
She hasn’t asked about it since. 
That’s interesting. I am somewhat like your ex. I change behind close doors so my son won’t see my naked. I was raised by immigrant parents who were/ are very conservative. Also, I never saw my father or mother naked. I also never experimented with drugs or alcohol. I firmly believe it was my upbringing. Similarly, it is wrong for women to drink heavily or smoke in my culture. Promiscuity was highly discouraged. I think I need to read more on this subject before my son is of age to start asking questions.
You bring up an interesting point, Maggie. I think it’s easier when certain cultures swing more in the direction of being either open, or conservative about nudity. In those situations, there is just an understanding about it that is more “accepted” if you will.
I think the challenge comes when culturally there is more of a mixture of views…and it’s not as clear cut. For my daughter, she sees both attitudes about nudity – because of our divorce. It is easier I think when children have one family and the family is either more modest or more open. It just is what it is.
It is coming up in our life because I have been very open with her about nudity in my home, but then her dad is not (probably also why she is even having any questions about it). If I kept myself hidden, and he did as well, I pretty much guarantee she would not be so focused on getting an answer.
Thanks for sharing!
We keep it very natural. And since having my daughter, my husband has realized how important it is to just go with the flow when it comes to nudity. Showers are meant to be taken naked, everyone gets dressed for the day, and males have penises while girls have vaginas. Having one boy and one girl provides a bit of comedy when one or the other realizes how different their “down there” is compared to the other. My daughter is quite fun of coming up to my (potty learning) son and yanking or poking his penis. Luckily it’s not very hard and he can tell her, “NO, this is my penis and you can’t touch it”.
my kids and my wife and i have always been open with sex and nudity. We have a boy 10 and a girl 11 \, they are nude all the time .
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I am always amazed by people who think being prude around children is right, and then amazed that their children are sneaking porn or any chance to see the body. We all want we can’t have.
Growing up I was the middle child, older sister, younger brother, with parents and my aunt and uncle in one small house. My uncle got hurt at work and spent 2 years in our house. Imagine 7 people with 2 bathrooms and almost no privacy. I saw every one of them naked so many times I can’t count. I never saw my brother, dad’s or uncle’s penis as sexual. Not once. To be honest, I don’t ever remember going “wow, that’s a penis”. I was more interested in the older female’s breasts since I wanted to know what mine would look like. Again, nothing sexual, just a normal girl wondering what changes would happen to my body.
Now I am an aunt of 2 young boys and when I visit, there is no concern about being nude. I don’t run around saying “look at me” and I do not flaunt in front of the brother in law, but none of us are ashamed of our bodies. Nudity and sex are not the same, and are only linked because of the prudes out there. My sister married a man that understood that and I have broken off relationships because the men do not have healthy views when it comes to the body and female rights.
Do what is natural, but by 7 it is not too late. Explain that peaking or invading ones privacy is wrong, but that the body is just a normal thing. The male “thing” is called a penis and it simply is no different than any other part of the body. Respect is important, but if she has questions she should ask you. Then tell your ex to simply be careful and honest. Do not make a big deal of it. It shouldn’t get more importance than it deserves. It’s just a wanker after all 🙂
I share your perspective, and appreciate your comment as I think far too many parents in this generation are far too fear based. According to the Law of Vibration (a.k.a. The law of attraction) that which we resist, persists, and even escalates.
As a follow up from this post, what ended up happening was we took a camping trip with some friends not long after I wrote this. They have 2 young boys, and the youngest walked around nude for most of the weekend (we were swimming, and it was super hot, and I had no problem with it as I thought it would be a great way to demonstrate it’s not a big deal, and there’s nothing to hide).
She hasn’t asked about it since. 🙂
Nudity was always no big deal in my house growing up either (child of the seventies). I continued that tradition when we had kids. I also married a woman who has no problem with it. Our kids have seen us naked several times from when they were young to now, and vice versa. We have two boys (15 and 117) and a daughter (16). It gets hot in Texas so we all don’t bother wearing clothes during the summer inside either. It’s a great freedom to enjoy. and our kids are all normal and well adjusted. Nudity is THE most natural thing in the world but some small minded people just get so freaked out about it.
As for the OP’s question, I say just tell your new husband to go ahead and be nude in front of your daughter. Get it over with and show that it isn’t that big a deal. Stop covering up. She will stare but after awhile her curiosity will be satisfied. and she’ll stop.
Thank you so much for sharing. My daughter is 6 and getting really curious and obsessed to see my huverysbad/her dad’s penis and she also keeps trying to touch it. He is very private, though he let her see when she was younger, he hasn’t let her see in a couple of years so it seems weird, but I asked her off her curiosity would be satisfied if she saw it once and she said yes, so we are considering letting her see it once. It seems weird. Maybe we could have a makes day where we all walk around the house named for an hour or so. She also has seen the books and it is n not enough.
Funny thing is, I was explaining to her or cultural rules that we don’t look at each others private parts unless e are a iparent odoctor taking care of a child, or a husband and wife-she was amazed-You sate allowed to see Daddy’s private parts?! I told her when it is OK with him, so today she asked him if it is OK with him for mommy to see his private parts. He said sometimes. She. wanted to know when and where. I couldn’t contain my giggling at the conversation. He finally told her in the bedroom and and she said she is going to try to sneak and look. In another conversion I asked her, didn’t you see him in the shower one day? “Yes, but that was by accident. I want to see it on purpose.”. I know it is all about the thing she is not allowed to do that makes everyone giggle and there isn’t a really logical reason behind it. Yet I can understand it would feel really strange for my husband to just let her examine it. It really helps to know she is not the only one in her age group who is curious about it. Thank you!
Not long after I posted this, we went camping with friends for the weekend. Their 5 year old spent the majority of the weekend naked (it was about 100 degrees out) and she has never asked about it since. Curiosity satisfied. Perhaps hang out with young toddlers, where she can observe without it being the parent, or an adult?
I have read some of the comments and would like to introduce my family to this, but I am not sure how to. With two children not quite in the teen years is it too late? I mean, you can’t just tell your husband hey I think it would be cool if we live naked. He probably would think I had lost a marble or two upstairs. And i can’t just go naked one day in the house. That would probably not illicit the best response. lol! So any suggestions on how to recommend this as a way of living? And what about the teen years and puberty? I am not trying to be gross, but how do you tell your young son when it comes to male arousal. Sometimes it happens just because and while it’s a natural human function, it has a time and place. Do you tell them to dismiss themselves to another room until is subsides? Just want to be sure. Any suggestions would be nice and much appreciated! =)
You are not alone in this confusion! A colleague of mine will be hosting a webinar on this topic coming soon – when I get the details I will post them here. In the meantime, there are age appropriate conversations, so depending on how old your son is, will determine the best approach. In general, in my opinion the key to any challenging conversation is how YOU feel about it. Your child will sense your ease, or discomfort, which will speak far more to them than any words you say.
You could consider selecting a family oriented naturist resort and have the family spend a few weekends or at least a few saturdays this year swimming, playing volley ball, and enjoying what families typically enjoy at summer time clothed or nude.
I’m confident that you willdoscover how natural it is to be nude with your family members and with other people who are comfortable in their own skin.
My sons are 9, 13 and 15 and are healthy normal boys. We have a gym sized shower in our house and we all shower together since they were old enough to stand up by themselves. Each one has asked at least once, if “mine” will get a big as yours ?. Its a good male bonding experience for sons to be comfortable with their father and their brothers and to be able to ask those hard questions, like when will I get my hairs….. Its also a good time for me to give them a looking over, we live in tick country and ive found ticks on my boys in the shower many times including in really hard to get at places. My oldest boy has acne on his back and it gives me a good time to check that, and help him apply the medication. There is nothing wrong,perverted or sick about men/males seeing each other naked, specially where there is love and caring amongst all. I think it is very healthy, there are no unanswered questions, there is total trust. Ive shown each of the boys how to properly wear his jock strap and cup, and how to check his testicles monthly for lumps, how to retract his foreskin and clean himself. These are things that you cant get from a book, its better to get them from your dad or brother who loves you and will teach you right. Dads, get close to your sons, that bond will last a lifetime.
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