We have all done it. Our child does something socially unacceptable, with witnesses, and we need to step in and be a parent. And teach them how to recover from their blunders.
We see the indiscretion happen, we immediately intervene. We tell our child, “That is not OK. Tell your friend that you are sorry.”
Good parenting, right?
Some people say not-so-much.
Makes sense, right? When we, as adults, get an apology….we don’t just want AN apology, we want a SINCERE apology. Otherwise, it’s empty words and means nothing.
So why do we do this to our children?
I came across this concept while reading a book called “Unconditional Parenting,” by Alfie Kohn, a well-known author in the parenting field.
It got me thinking, and reflecting. It struck a truth with me.
Even as I was doing it, I felt like it was disingenuous. Telling my daughter to repeat “I’m sorry” like a robot, to the child she owed the apology to, felt weird to me. I always thought “Wait, maybe she isn’t sorry. She doesn’t yet understand why what she did was wrong.”
But in the absence of knowing what else to do, and with the social pressure of the eyes of the other parent watching me, I would make her apologize.
Now, I have stopped doing that.
I’d rather she apologize when she understands, and genuinely feels like it is important to reach out and mend the fences. Now, that does not mean I ignore her offending behavior and let it lie, it just means that I don’t make her say it until she means it.
By making her say words to someone, that she does not yet comprehend, or even mean in her heart, I am teaching her that it is more important to care what others think, than to speak her truth. Saying I’m sorry like a robot means nothing. It means that you repeated words due to social graces, and both you, and the offended, know it. It does nobody any good. Even if children don’t understand it consciously, they get it on a soul level. Something feels off when there is an insincere apology.
Ask yourself, would you rather get an in the moment, insincere apology from someone who hurt you, or would you rather wait a little while, and have that person come to you sincerely apologize for what they did?
I know how I’m voting on that one.
For me, it is more important that I talk with her about the incident, so that she can understand what she did hurt the other person’s feelings. Obviously this is age appropriate, toddlers often do not have the ability to comprehend empathy yet. I then give examples from my life, where I hurt someone else’s feelings, and then what I did to fix the situation. Making the story about me, and the lessons I learned from my mistakes, communicates empathy, and fosters authentic connection, rather than making her feel judged for her inappropriate behavior.
Children especially, sniff out insincerity faster than a bloodhound on a scent. If we want to teach our children about the power of a sincere apology, it is important we don’t force them in the moment.
Do you make your child say, “I’m sorry” when they don’t mean it? Why or why not?
I don’t make her say it but after we talk about what happened I will often prompt “it might make them feel better if you said you were sorry and gave them a hug” or “if I do something to make my friend sad I say I’m sorry and it makes us both feel better”. Usually then she’ll go say it on her own but if she doesn’t I don’t make a big deal out of it.
What you are writing here is exactly what I refer to as modeling. There is a huge difference between making your child repeat words they don’t even feel at the moment, and another thing entirely to demonstrate how you might handle the situation if you were her. The way you handle it is how I would suggest doing so….it’s a teaching opportunity and a time we as parents need to provide guidance.
Just to clarify on some areas of confusion in my post, not making your child say empty words like a robot in no way means that you just let it go and don’t do anything about it.
Quite the opposite. I always use the situation as a teaching opportunity. I have found that my daughter rarely does something apology worthy (though I’m sure this will be more a point of discussion when she is older, and hurts people’s feelings by accident.)
Hmm… I don’t know. I think part of parenting is teaching kids that other people’s feelings matter, too. I guess we all have to find our own balance, but sometimes I feel that child-centered parenting goes too far when kids aren’t taught the importance of basic manners (like “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry”) when dealing with others. I’ve seen the results of this with a couple of kids in my extended family, and it ain’t pretty. Children are allowed to have their own thoughts and opinions and shouldn’t have to be little robots, but there is something to be said for common courtesy when dealing with others.
While an on-the-spot “I’m sorry” may seem empty and robotic, it’s also part of the acknowledgement that what was done was not ok. What kind of message does it send to the other child who was on the receiving end of the bad behavior if your child is taken away and their hurt isn’t acknowledged by your child? YOU know that you’re going to take time to teach your kid, yada yada, and maybe (or maybe not) they’ll return to the victimized child for a “real” apology. However, in the moment, the other child doesn’t know that. All they know is that something bad was done to them, and the other child was not held to account for it. That has to feel bad to the victimized child, and I can understand why other parents wouldn’t like it. The on-the-spot “I’m sorry” is a way of teaching your child about social graces and acknowledging the plight of someone else; it in no way negates the later process of helping the child truly understand the situation. You child can even go back at a later time for a more sincere apology, if he/she feels moved to do so.
Manners are very important to teach, as are social graces. Part of getting along in the world is learning how to operate in a community. However, saying please and thank you are very different than saying I’m sorry.
A great way to teach your child that other people’s feelings matter, is to have you apologize to the other child by saying, “I am sorry that my child did that to you.” Not “My child is sorry.”
That models that you have recognized the situation as one that might warrant an apology, and you are sincerely apologizing that that child is hurt. You are not speaking on behalf of your child, you are speaking on behalf of you. You have at that point acknowledged the other child’s hurt, and at the same time, modeled to your child that it is important to recognize you did something that hurt someone. Then you can talk about it with your child afterwards to help them understand what happened.
If you aren’t sorry, you shouldn’t say you are… I teach my children to be honest, regardless of how “acceptable” it is to lie sometimes. Personally, I see cases like this that really tell who you are and what you stand for. If you’re willing to lie about how you feel just to make others feel better, what are you willing to lie about to make yourself feel better?
Sabrina, you bring up an important aspect of this idea and how it relates to conscious parenting. To honor your true feelings, even if they are not considered “acceptable” is the foundation of connection and self-esteem. Children who value their own feelings, even the not so pretty ones, care more about how they feel about themselves than how others feel about them.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t teach empathy, or caring, or consideration of others’s feelings, it only means that we PRIORITIZE their acceptance of themselves over other people’s opinions. How many of us watch people who don’t feel worthy unless they are doing what the “in” crowd does, or changing their behavior to match what their friends are doing. Prioritizing your own feelings does not mean you are a mean person. Children who value themselves, ALSO value other people….and in turn, end up being the ones with the most “friends” (even that is not what really matters). Because people in general (including children) are drawn to people who are comfortable in their own skin, who like themselves, and other people, but are happy with who they are. They are magnetic.
I grew up in a manner where I did not feel confident in my self-worth (unless I was achieving in some way – good grades, winning a tennis tournament, etc.), and was always looking to external factors to validate my worth. Luckily, I did not succumb to peer pressure, but I honestly feel that I didn’t because I had tennis as my source of strength. I was a nationally ranked player starting at age 12 and luckily had that to turn to for my “confidence.” I honestly shudder to think what would have happened if I didn’t have that…I probably would have been way more susceptible to peer pressure.
THanks for your post.
I don’t agree with this. As patents we teach by many methods.
Our children learn by seeing what we do. They also learn by being told/ guided what to do.
My 24mth old son ran into a boy at a park, as they do. Both were not hurt, it was a accedent as he did not watch where he was going but the perfect situation for sorry. Before I even moved I heard him say to the boy “oh sorry, sorry boy” and he ment it. It said it the way you would if you bumped onto a person on the street. He learnt this buy watching the correct way & being incouraged to also behave empytheticly. I would explain others have feelings & if he hurts someone they get sad.
Absolutely! Just to clarify, in no way am I advocating letting a child do something, and not apologize, and then do nothing about it. As parents, we need to take any circumstance like that as a learning opportunity to teach the child.
There is a difference between saying, “Tell him you are sorry!” and guiding them to realize what they did. We absolutely MUST do that, so that the next time, they will remember what happened. I think if they are too young to quite understand or realize what they did, if we as parents apologize to the other child directly “I’m so sorry that my son did that to you!” we are teaching them when it is important to do it. And we ARE sorry…. 🙂
Your sweet son clearly has learned when is the right time to say you are sorry. And like you said, he meant it! This is the most important type of apology, and my guess would be that you have done a great job of explaining to him when it is important, and he has also observed you apologizing for things as well.
I understand the desire for sincerity, but I think empathy isn’t emphasized in this approach. Part of developing empathy is learning to consider other people’s feelings. As you say, it’s important to talk about the incident and how other people may react. But to wait until a child authentically feels sorry rather than expect them to perform what is, truthfully, simply a social nicety designed to acknowledge another person’s feelings, isn’t dishonest so much as part of the way humanity has learned to get along. Plenty of people never grow to feel sorry for the impact their words or actions have on others—-just look around you. Are they justified in not apologizing because they don’t “feel” sorry? Using the reasoning that people shouldn’t have to say what they don’t feel doesn’t go too far in advancing empathy.
Yes, it’s important for a child to be in touch with his or her feelings. If she’s still angry or hurt, voicing that should be imperative. But “I’m sorry” covers a lot of ground. It can mean many things beyond sorrow. The person voicing it may feel no more than sorry that the incident ever happened or that the other person reacted as they did or that attention has been drawn to it. Saying sorry isn’t inauthentic in those circumstances either.
Every day we ask our children to do things they very well may not feel like doing or mean while they’re doing it—-sharing in household chores, holding hands to cross the street, refraining from hitting or damaging no matter how upset they are, etc. It’s part of living together and getting along. We all have to balance our own rights with our responsibility to ensure other’s rights aren’t violated. That balance teeters from side to side on occasion, but it shouldn’t tilt too far to one side.
I definitely agree with you, and I am loving the feedback I’m getting on this topic as it allows me to clarify some important points that may not have been clear in my original post.
Not forcing a child to say the words right in the moment in no way mitigates parental responsibility. A powerful way to teach empathy in this situation is for YOU as the parent to apologize – not on their behalf, but on behalf of you. In front of your child and the other child. Something like, “I am sorry that my child did that to you.” That will be a strong model to your child that what happened is not OK, and that it’s important to apologize to the other person. If we were to say “My child is sorry” that sends a totally different message. This is especially valuable with younger children/toddlers. And it’s situation dependent – did the child on accident knock a child over because they weren’t looking? Or did your child purposely push another child off of the swing because they wanted to get in it. Either way, as the parent we should apologize.
I agree wholeheartedly that there are things we guide our children to do that they don’t feel like doing or like doing in the moment. That is part of life. Holding hands across the street or doing chores are necessities….but those examples in no way effect the long term emotional well being of our children like apologizing insincerely does.
My main point simply relates to the fact that making them say something they don’t mean or connect to in the moment, is teaching them it is OK to say things they don’t mean. Some parenting experts even go so far as to say we are teaching them it is OK to lie for the sake of manners. On the surface, we think doing so is the right thing to do (which is why I used to do it). In reality, while it may teach children the act of apologizing, in the long run it also teaches children that being authentic is less important than being liked or considered socially acceptable.
This is most definitely a tough subject, and one that brings up lots of food for thought. In no way am I claiming my approach is the right approach, I am writing about it to get a good discussion started, and to get people really thinking about these things.
It really helps me to feel normal when I read articles such as this. I don’t like forcing my toddler to apologize for certain behavior, because at times I can see that she truly feels justified in what she’s done, and I can’t expect her to feel anything but miffed at me for interfering, until I help her to understand why it was not nice (and sometimes a 2.5-year-old just doesn’t want to get it). I only make her when I’m around my mother, because she thinks my daughter is “bad” and I don’t want to hear her judgements. I feel so badly when I do it, because I can tell that DD feels badly for having done something wrong (or not understanding why it was wrong), and on top of that she’s hurt that she hasn’t gotten her point across, and the “big kids” don’t seem to be listening. =( Thank you for this article, I am going to continue doing what I want to do…stopping the situation while its happening, offering up my own apology on my and my child’s behalf, and speaking to DD about it off to the side. My mom will just have to be appalled.
Thank you for your comment, because you have so beautifully expressed the experience from your daughter’s perspective. So often we project expectations onto our children with our adult mind, and forget that they experience the world differently.
I know for me, when I point out something my daughter did “wrong” or “by mistake” even if I do it in a kind way, she gets so down on herself, and starts being self-depricating. It’s a balancing act for sure.
I totally get what you are saying about when your mom is around, that you parent differently. And it goes against your heart. I have found that my worst parenting moments have been when I have an audience around, that I feel is judging me on some level. I would parent differently than I normally would, because I sense their observation of me. I have now (thankfully) STOPPED doing that. Because it was confusing to my daughter, as well as being stressful for me.
Since making that conscious choice, I still make mistakes, but I have no regrets.
Follow your heart, sweet mama. 🙂
It’s really tricky and can see both sides… h owever I really think it’s down to the parents and their child….and largely depends on the emotional intelligence of the children and how old they are. A 2 yr old (and again all 2 yr old develop at different rates), is far less able to understand consequence and empathy than a 4 yr old and personally as a parent I would approach the situations differently depending on the child’s age and emotional awareness, as much as I can understand of. I do think in social situations if your child hurts another there is an element of politeness and manners involved in the moment, the child should receive an apology even if by a parent to acknowledge a wrong was done and could then sit and talk it through with your child there and then if possible, 2 hrs later at home would be too late I think as the incident would be forgotten …empathy is great to teach, show, but still quite a high goal for little ones. An explanation that the act isn’t friendly maybe or the person could be sad or hurt is vital IMO, so that a consequence to an action is learned, the empathy will come when they’re understanding of others feelings. X
I, too, believe this discussion is very age dependent. It is very different if we are talking about parenting a young toddler, compared to a 7 year old.
I absolutely love the discussion here because there are many facets to this concept, many of which I didn’t go into detail in the main article, but am getting a chance to clarify here.
I think the best way to handle the situation with a very young toddler, is to have the parent apologize to the other child – not FOR their child, but rather as themselves.
Instead of saying “Timmy is sorry he pushed you” I would say, “I”m so sorry that Timmy pushed you, are you OK?”
That accomplishes 3 things. First, making the other child feel better. Second, showing your child that certain situations warrant an apology, for either an intentional infraction, or an innocent mistake. Thirdly, it models empathy and concern for others (which your child will observe and then emulate down the road).
I think this topic is best presented with specific examples, rather than generalities and ideals (like I did in my original post). Because how to do apply these ideas in the most appropriate way is really age, and situation, dependent.
The more general I am, the more room for misinterpretation, and for assumptions. I am grateful for everyone’s participation in this discussion because it is helpful to all of us to have a dialogue.
Hi Erika,
Thanks for this great post and the discussion it generated. I learnt a lot from reading the comments.
A situation with my 2 boys aged 3.5y and 22months yesterday. #1 was fighting with #2 over a toy. I was in the kitchen , their father was around in the living room where they were. Suddenly I heard their dad tell #1, say sorry to #2. Apparently #1 had pushed #2 to the floor when #2 was too adamant about snatching #1’s toy. [#1 is usually gentle with his brother, #2 tends to be more gung ho in snatching things]
#1 was put out. His dad insisted. So he yelled his sorry and promptly burst into tears after that.
I pulled both #1 and #2 into my arms, and spoke soothingly to them (or I hummed… I cannot really remember what I did… but my intention was to provide a safe place for them to express their emotions). #2 ran off after a while. #1 stayed in my arms and hiccuped in between tears.
So your post today really resonates. Thanks again!
I really enjoyed reading your piece and it has made me consider the way I deal with these situations. I am a preschool teacher and when teaching we ask the child who did the offending to follow through and help the victim, so to speak, to feel better for example if they need a cold compress the child will hold it on them or sit with them and show them a book. In this way we are trying to show a genuine connection and empathy for the child who they have hurt. I must admit though that there have been days as a parent when I am just tired and I take the children to the park so I need a break and when an incident occurs I say say sorry to the little boy just because I know the mother is staring me down! Oh dear better reasses those times!!!
Thanks, Catherine! I think it is tough when it’s your own child, never mind when you have many in your classroom! Kudos to you! They are lucky to have you as their loving teacher….
I think it is absolutely fine to say sorry to the little one who needs an apology, as long as you say YOU are sorry, and not apologize as though you were your child….like instead of saying “my son is sorry he did that” to the other child, saying “I’m sorry my son did that to you..are you OK?” does wonders on a few levels.
It makes the hurt child feel better, it models empathy towards another (to your own child), and lastly, it alerts your child that what they did was apology worthy. But that is way different than speaking on your child’s behalf.
I hope that clarifies my point a little bit better….I recorded a video as a reply to the feedback I got on my original post on this topic….where I explain this concept a bit further.
Thanks for your comments and feedback….I hope this helps to clarify!
Intersting subject
My four year old dd today is very close with one of her friends and they always share together . I didnt see but my daughter took some food ice pops from her firiend more than she should. Her friend was upset but my daughter refused to say sorry. My othe 9 yesr old daughter were trying to force her to sY sorry to her friend , and i knew it wandt going to work. Despite me daying sorry many times to the child and the mum, i find quite intimidating how her mum kept pressuring and asking me if my daughter uncerstands it from the other perspective. I do not like to force my 4 year old to say sorry as dhe wont mean it. All
Children are different and i explained this tomthe other parent Nd my child want understanding why to say sorry. She always shared food with her friend with no problem. Once we eere going home i explained tomher why she should say sorry and then she agreed she would say sorry next morning. I dislike the idea tp force children say sorry and be so judgemental about it ( my child say sorry aNd she is four) stop jugding people and be more underdtanding.