This is EXACTLY what my husband's face looked like (see below)
Ah the joys of parenting, and husbands. This post, is more about parenting the husband. And let me state for the record, I mean parenting as a “spiritual partnership” not as “I know everything and you don’t so I am here to enlighten you.” My husband is an amazing parent – I have just been at this a little longer than he has, so I’ve made more mistakes and can share my learnings with him (in case you are wondering, he is my daughter’s stepfather).
I’ve written about this before but here it is again. Children don’t do what you say, they do what you do. (See my prior post about this)
I have always had a parenting mantra about being authentic and consistent. I am the example for my daughter as she watches me like a hawk and doesn’t miss a THING. (know any of those children?)
Knowing this, I have asked dear husband to honor one important parenting “must-do.”
At our house, I don’t use a microwave. Haven’t in almost 7 years. I also don’t drink soda. I don’t want my daughter eating microwaved food, nor do I want her drinking soda. To illustrate my point, she has never seen me do either thing. That way, when I explain to her why I make that choice, she observes me living what I say. In her mind, we don’t do those things, so it’s not even a question (yet, I realize as she’s older, that will change, but for now, let me enjoy this bliss).
Enter husband. Overall, he’s pretty health conscious (we met at our local organic health food store after all)…but just like all other humans, including myself, he does not always adhere to his own nutrition principles.
Meaning, he will once in a while throw something into the microwave, and once in a while he will drink a soda.
He is a grown up, and can do what he wants. It is not my job to police his eating habits. When I ask him about it, his response is “Once in a while I will have a soda when we go on a long car ride, because I need to stay awake and I like to chew on the ice.”
THAT’S what you come up with? But it SO does not matter to me so I move on.
I have, however, requested of him several times, that fine if he wants to do either of those things, just don’t let our daughter see him doing it. Cover up the soda with the lid and tell her it’s fizzy water. Don’t let her see the brown colored liquid filled with bubbles. Just do your best to hide, it, OK? Simple request. One, simple request.
Please.
Pretty please with stevia on top.
No, really, pretty, pretty, pretty please.
So the other day, we were out shopping and stopped for lunch at this take out Greek place. Dear husband orders himself a soda, which he promptly dispenses from the machine. His nutritional and parenting indescretion was punctuated by the loud noises of the ice dropping into the cup, and the subsequent SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH of the soda being poured into his 32 oz big gulp size.
Oh, and forgot to say that at this point, we are the only people in the place. No potential distractions from this show. (could he NOT have picked a crowded day at Disneyland where the little one wouldn’t notice if your hair was on fire?)
Not saying a word, I catch his eye. I glare. I glare even harder, so that he knows what I am thinking without me having to say a word. But just for good measure, though I tried to keep it in, the words just FLY out of my mouth as I whisper to him, “Um….are we on a long car trip ?”
Dear husband realizes the flaw in his logic, and makes a mental note to think up another valid reason for making his soda choice.
The irony of that situation is that I have no need for a reason, but he seems to feel like he needs to give me one. Clearly his guilty conscience is compelling him to come up with one so he can feel better.
A few minutes go by, and my super-observant-doesn’t-miss-a-thing-daughter notices that Daddy has a drink.
Verbatim, this is the conversation that ensues.
DD: “Daddy, what is that?”
(pointing at the subtle, blend-in-with-the-environment-and-go-unnoticed 32 oz cup.)
DH: “It’s a soda.”
(He states matter of factly, thinking honesty is the best policy because our detective daughter can sniff out a lie before it even comes out of his mouth)
DD: In a quiet, sweet, little baby lamb cute voice “I wish IIIIIIIII could have a soda.”
(Doe eyes looking up at him through long lashes)
DH: “Soda is not healthy for us, it’s not healthy to have a soda.”
(I can feel his pride at being a good dad and teaching her why she can’t have a soda – he is beaming at this point at his awesomeness as a dad).
DD: (with not a nanosecond of hesitation) “Then why are YOOOOUUUU having it?”
Dear husband stops mid-ice chomp and his eyes widen as though he’s seen a ghost. (see photo above)
Uh, oh.
At this point I sit back (admittedly smugly) and watch the beads of sweat form on his forehead as she is intently watching him and waiting for his answer.
Neither she, nor he, blinks.
He realizes he’s trapped. He realizes the error of his ways. I can see the wheels spinning as he tries to come up with something smart, true and dad-like.
(…………………………….crickets…………………………….)
Of course, as he’s stressing his response. Dude, if you’d only listened to me….you could have saved yourself a world of hurt.
Betcha my “don’t let her see you do it” strategy is looking a LIT-TLE more appealing than this option, eh buddy?
I shift my attention back to the scene at hand.
Finally, he responds.
DH: “Once in a while, when daddy is tired, I’ll have a soda.”
Ohhhhhh noooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Oh great, now you are teaching her that she needs artificial stimulants when she is tired…..good one. I have to add THAT parenting conversation to the list now.
Super.
I wish I could say that I saved the day at that point by giving a smart/nutritionist/conscious mom response to his not so stupendous answer.
But I had no idea how to get him out of this one without dear, sweaty, wide-eyed husband without him feeling like I undermining his parenting and not backing him up.
Luckily, the food came right then. Good, a distraction.
Dad is literally SKIPPING out of the restaurant towards the car….grateful to be out of that hairy situation.
Or so he thought.
Ten minutes into our drive home, out of the backseat comes a proclamation.
DD: “Daddy, it’s not FAIR that you get to have soda and Mommy and I can’t.”
Obviously, Daddy’s answer was insufficient at satisfying her curiosity about his hypocritical comment.
Whoa whoa whoa……Daddy does NOT tell mommy what to do……need to address this now….no more letting him try to run with it.
Mama has to step in.
Not thinking it through but just going on instinct I say quickly, “I don’t drink soda because I CHOOSE not to drink soda, because I don’t like to drink unhealthy things, and there are plenty of things out there that I’d rather drink, that I like better and that are actually healthy for me.”
There.
Not the best, but then again, I didn’t get myself into the mess in the first place.
At this point, DD is questioning MY answer, because she has now been introduced to the concept of hypocrisy. This whole little scene is just spiraling downward at an alarming rate.
Will Mommy say one thing but do another, too?
This is THE test.
DD: “That’s not true Mommy.”
Dear, beaten down, humbled hubby jumps at the chance to redeem himself by defending my honor.
DH: “No, it’s true. Mommy does not drink soda – EVER!”
Dear hubby is THRILLED to have her attention diverted away from him for a moment.
At that point, the conversation died. Or ended. Or just dwindled. Hopefully she was satisfied.
But Mama is now irked.
Modeling behavior and values is far more important than what we say to our little ones. Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of The Biology of Belief, writes about the science behind consciousness, and conscious parenting.
Science has shown that especially from birth through the age of 6, children are in a “programmable” state – meaning, they are being imprinted with their observations of our BEHAVIOR, and how we respond to certain stimuli. It’s akin to a hypnotic state, where they are observing the behavior, but are not consciously engaged with it. This is due to brain activity where until age 6, their brain waves are in the delta and theta states, associated with imagination, rather than consciousness. It is during this stage of development that we form our “tapes.” Those ways of relating, responding to stress, how we think, how we feel about ourselves, our limiting beliefs, our “programming.” For the rest of our lives, we unconsciously respond to external stimuli by referencing things we observed during that phase of our life.
But I digress a little into the science. (And my scientific validation of my position on this issue). Sorry about that.
I work hard to keep certain concepts out of our home, as it’s what I believe, and also selfishly it can actually make my life as a mom easier. It’s easier to model behavior that I want her to learn, than to try to explain how certain things are for grown ups only, and when she’s a grown up she will be able to do what she wants. In general, there are things that are healthier than others, and I don’t want her learning that the reason she shouldn’t have it is because she is a child, and not a grown up. I want her learning things are either healthy or unhealthy regardless of age.
That’s harder than not having the conversation in the first place. I know I’ll have to have it at some point, but part of me was really glad I could push it off until she was older.
As I thought about it later, I asked myself what could be have said that would be better? I would have rather he tell her it was a grown up drink. Yes, I can’t believe I am saying it, but I think I would have rather he lie. Well, actually, no I don’t. I don’t know. This is not an easy one.
What I’d really prefer is that he just LISTEN to me in the first place, and then we wouldn’t even be in this mess. Isn’t that always the answer? To listen to your nutritionist conscious parenting wife?
Have you ever been caught being hypocritical by your children? How have you handled it? If your spouse has done it, how have you addressed it with them?
I really love this article, Erica. It speaks to the perpetual authenticity dilemma we face as parents; how do I be my most authentic self while trying to mold and shape this unique being into my idea of what’s best. IMHO, we should allow our children to see us “warts and all” (my grandmothers favorite catch phrase for loving someone unconditionally-RIP Mamo)and integrate those aspects into who they are becoming. They will emulate your ENERGY regardless of what physical “play” is unfolding in front of them. So, if your husband wants a soda, whether he has one in front of her or not, she will pick up on that energy. She is getting a message, but it may not be the one you want her to get. I know that you want her to accept who she is and not feel that she is lacking or unworthy in any way. Is it possible that she (or even your husband in that moment) could have felt “less than” for expressing their desires for an unhealthy beverage? Is a carbonated sugary drink worth the negative impression left on their spirits?
Keep holding vigil, conscious mom. I hold you in the highest esteem.
Om,
Patience 🙂
I wholeheartedly agree that the primary tenet of conscious parenting is in your authenticity as a parent – where you do show your flaws and your struggles. You bring up a very interesting observation about this scene, where she is observing him in a moment of “flaw” if you will.
In my reflection on my experience, I focused on the modeling aspect, of what we do, versus what we say. But as you so wisely point out, acceptance of him where he is at the moment is also part of this as well.
You raise a very good question – and it is a great example of the ever present balancing act we face as spiritual partners with our children. There are always so many facets to what is happening at any moment, and I know for me, I try to figure out what is most important and prioritize that. And in this case, I may have prioritized the wrong thing. In my heart, I understand and advocate balance – having such things once in a while is OK. But at what point do you draw the line?
I was focused in this instance on his words telling her something was not good for her, but at the same time, taking sips of the “forbidden” drink. I felt more concerned about the long term implications this would have down the road on her ability to believe what he says, and her trust that he is being genuine in his life. By modeling unhealthy choices, while saying she should make different choices, introduces to her the concept that there are exceptions and it gets confusing. And of course that is life….and something we all have to figure out.
One of my ultimate struggles as a “trying to be conscious” mom relates to food, and things that are healthy. Does the joy of consuming a technically unhealthy treat surpass the detrimental physical effect of consuming the chemicals that come along with it? And is the net result to the child’s alignment and spirit more positive than any resistance that is created by teaching certain foods are healthier and better food choices? (This the exact question I had prepared to ask Abraham at the event in San Diego last August, but unfortunately I did not get invited into the “hotseat.”)
In any case, I’ve brought this exact dilemma up a few times in this blog, as it’s really one of the main areas of parenting where I struggle most. I don’t want to create fear, or shame, or as Abraham calls it “resistance” but at the same time, I do understand the physical effects of certain food additives and chemicals have a serious detrimental effect on the physical body regardless of how aware you are about it. There are plenty of people in the world who have no idea that what they are eating is causing their cancers or other degenerative diseases….yet they still get cancer. But perhaps they are getting cancer for other reasons, less having to do with what they physically put into their bodies. And I believe that is a huge piece of the puzzle – for adults. But when a child gets cancer, I have a hard time believing they have manifested that situation due to the way they think, or where they put their focus. They are still so connected to source when they are young, that I have to believe that it more related to the physical influences.
More on this to come obviously, as this is a difficult question to know the real truth.
Thank you for your observations about the post, as you have brought up some really juicy food for thought (no pun intended of course). 🙂 I am grateful for you!
I LOvE juicy food for thought!! 😀