It’s time for a change.

This morning, I was interviewed on San Diego’s channel 6 news about a recent CNN story about a 14 year old girl who was awarded a $40,000 plastic surgery by a charity because she was being bullied about her ears.

Discussions around the Internet on this topic have offered solutions like “talk to the principal at the school,” “harsher punishment for the bullies,” or “have her change schools.”

In another attempt to fix the problem of bullying, a school in Louisville, Kentucky has banned talking in the hallways as a solution to their bullying problem.

To me, these stories, and others like it, just show how desperate parents are to do something about this problem – and are resorting to measures like this because they don’t really know what else to do.

Are these “fixes” of plastic surgery, or no talking, really doing anything to solve the bullying problem, or are they only perpetuating it?

There are really several issues that are making this a complex discussion.

• One, is it OK to have corrective surgery to fix something you don’t like?

• Second, is giving young children plastic surgery before they are done growing the answer to the bullying problem?

• Third, if there was $40K of money available to help, could it have been used differently, and more effectively, to combat the problem (of either helping her self esteem, OR stopping bullying)?

• And lastly, are we as a society in a sense justifying the bullying by agreeing that there was something “tease-worthy” and therefore, let’s just take the legitimate reason away?

Regarding the first issue, of if it’s OK to have corrective surgery to fix something you don’t like, that is really not the main point of this discussion, so we won’t even get into that here.

While some would argue that improving one’s self-esteem is necessary, and if surgery is an option to improve this, then what is wrong with that?

The most problematic thing about this “solution” is that it at it’s core validates that there was a legitimate reason for this little girl being teased.  Instead of the message being the bullying is wrong, it sends the message that this girl’s appearance was something that needed to change.

The real message parents (and society at large) need to be sending our children is a change in outward appearance, while it may increase self esteem in the short run, does nothing to address the underlying emotional issues that led to the child even feeling like they were not “enough.”

Let’s take weight loss….many people think that “when I lose the weight, then my life will be great.”  Then they lose the weight, only to realize they are still not happy and it did not solve the underlying reason for the weight.

The same phenomenon is evident also with addictions.  If someone is addicted to drugs, they may restrain from drugs, but they have a high chance of addiction transfer, as the addiction alone is an indicator of an underlying unease.  If you take away the substance, the emotional pattern does not change and that’s why you will see high rates of addiction transfer – from drinking to smoking, from drugs to sex addiction.

If there was $40K of money available to help, could it have been used differently, and more effectively, to combat the problem (of either helping her self esteem, OR stopping bullying)?

My answer is yes.  $40,000 can go towards counseling, personal growth, education for parents of young children to prevent this problem in the first place – from both the victim, and the perpetrator’s sides.

The last piece of this puzzle is the girl’s age.  It’s common knowledge that 12-14 year olds are often going through their most awkward stages during those ages.  Heck, my face now looks very different than it did in my 20s.

What about the message of embracing what makes us unique?

Or what about the idea that what you don’t like about yourself when you are a teenager ends up being what you love about yourself when you are older?

When we were younger, my brother desperately wanted to change his name – because he would get teased about it.  Now, he embraces it and is often more memorable when he meets people because of his name.

I used to cry in junior high because I thought my legs were too long and I didn’t like them.  To this day my mom laughs when she reminds me of that fact.

The point being, that what bothers us during our early teen years, may not be a second thought as adults.

So what can we do?

There are many things parents can do to help this problem – the change we need to make is we need to shift the conversation to what can we do when bullying is happening, to what can we do to prevent it from even becoming an issue.

It’s not a quick fix, but it’s a necessary one.

Recent scientific research on brain development, and the relationship of parenting practices to how children develop empathy, compassion, impulse control, and personal connection with others has given us real insight into what we can do.

This is exactly why I’m finishing an audio to help parents understand how to peer pressure and bully proof their children…..starting from when they are young children. It IS possible to raise children who can laugh at anyone who makes fun of them – let’s share ideas on how to do THAT, instead of deal with the outward part.

Stay tuned as I am going to be launching a free video training series on this topic for parents in the next couple of weeks.

Like us on Facebook, or join our mailing list to keep posted on when this is announced.

Here’s the original CNN story:

 

What are your reactions to this story?  How would you have used the $40,000?