This morning, I spoke with Heather Meyers about how parents can help their children deal with the threats of sex, drugs, and alcohol.  As I discuss in the segment, it begins very early on, and may not be quite what you think.

Obviously our children are exposed to far more today at an earlier age than we were when we were young. There’s a desensitization that has occurred that almost makes people think that it’s not that big of a deal, because it’s everywhere. But because it’s everywhere, our young children are having to deal with these things at younger ages, and parents are having to find ways to parent their children through these things earlier than before.

So how should parents approach this?

It is not a one-time conversation that you have, and then check that off your list. It’s really a lifelong process that begins very early on. I always teach the families I work with that it’s important to get at the root cause of things, and spend your energy there, instead of dealing with the immediate “symptoms.”

What I mean by that is that challenges, problems, influences, threats, are everywhere. There will be some 2 years from now that we don’t even know about yet with how fast technology is changing. If we put our efforts as parents into the “symptoms”, like “how do I handle racy texts?” or “What if someone bullies my child on social media?” and instead, put our energy into raising our children in a way that they have a good sense of self, good values, decision making skills, etc. – that’s where the payoff will be.

Here are 3 tips for parents:

These are things you should do throughout your parenting, even from when they are very little. If you keep these in mind as your children grow up, they’ll go a long way towards truly helping your children when they become teens.

Tip #1: Model good decision-making and self-esteem
Talk about when you make a decision that is different than most people. Acknowledge individuality in someone else. Point out when other people make different choices than we do. Be proud of your own individuality. Admit when you don’t know what to do. Admit your mistakes. All of these things foster trust and authenticity, and will deepen the connection between you and your child.

Tip #2: Resist the urge to give answers all the time
When they ask you a question, don’t just answer it. Ask them how they might go about figuring out the answer themselves? Make it fun. This teaches them to be resourceful and make good decisions when YOU AREN’T THERE. If we teach them to always look to us when they don’t know what to do, they don’t learn to think for themselves. And later, in the teens, it’s far too easy to transfer their decision making to another peer. Always keep an eye on teaching them to listen to their inner voice throughout their childhood. Teach them to look inside for the answers.

Tip #3: Establish a no-punishment pact
Create a safe space for them to share anything with you. And I mean anything. With no consequences. Parents fear that if they don’t “punish” their child, that their child will simply repeat the behavior. In reality, with families that take that approach, that doesn’t happen. You can’t say to a child “come to me with anything” and then when they do, punish – when you say this, you’d better mean it, and follow through. But at the end of the day, would you rather your child come to you with something going on because it’s safe to, or would you rather them deal with it alone for fear of your disappointment, punishment, or some other “consequence?”

What have you done with your children to help open the communication channel between you and them?